I was an angry mom for the first few years of motherhood.
It’s a feeling that’s hard to shake, especially when you’re constantly juggling the demands of parenthood, work, and personal life. But I was an angry mom for the first few years of motherhood. I had two under two while working full-time, my babies strapped to me while I clocked in my hours. My second son was brought into my life to teach me how to be a better parent by not just pushing boundaries but leaping over them and heading for the hills. Unfortunately, motherhood was a trial by fire, and no one in the family made it out unscathed. I was a dragon, constantly breathing fire and stomping on the emotions of those around me. My marriage suffered, and so did my relationship with my kids. More frightening, though, was the anger it inspired in my children as their behavior and defiance reached new heights. The day that changed everything for me is forever burned into my mind.
While trying to cook dinner, my fighting kids raced through the kitchen, knocking me (and the pot of rice I was holding) over in the process. From my spot on the floor covered in rice, I screamed at my kids—not yelled or shouted—screamed. And I have never seen such terror on my kids’ faces. My boys were too scared to get close to me, even as I tried to apologize. Something inside me broke that day, and I knew things had to change.
What Is Anger?
Anger is an emotion just like joy, sadness, and excitement. It’s not inherently good or bad; it just is. Your reaction or response to anger, however, can be positive or negative. For parents, anger can be a hard pill to swallow because it is a big emotion caused by the little person you love so much. For kids, anger is often a response to internal dysregulation and feeling overwhelmed by big emotions. Anger can also be a substitution emotion. If you use a Feelings Wheel, you will see that anger might actually be frustration bitterness disappointment
Types of Anger
There are different types of anger, and understanding them can help you identify the root cause of your anger. Here are some common types of anger:
Passive Aggressive Anger
Passive aggressive anger is characterized by giving the silent treatment, pretending everything is fine when you are clearly upset, or being overly critical. This type of anger can be difficult to recognize, as it’s often masked by a calm and collected exterior.
Open Aggression
Open aggression is the most visible type of anger, where you lash out at those around you, shout, or criticize. This type of anger can be destructive and hurtful to others, but it can also be a sign of underlying emotional pain.
Assertive Anger
Assertive anger is a healthy way to express anger, where you hold firm on your boundaries, validate your emotions, and respond to a situation in a clear and respectful manner. This type of anger can be empowering and help you maintain healthy relationships.
Stages of Anger
Anger goes through different stages, both for parents and kids. Understanding these stages can help you recognize the triggers and manage your anger more effectively.
Stage 1: Triggering Event
The first stage of anger is triggered by an event or situation that sets off a chain reaction of emotions. This can be anything from a minor inconvenience to a major conflict.
Stage 2: Central Nervous System Activation
When we experience a triggering event, our central nervous system (CNS) is activated, and we start to feel physical symptoms such as a racing heart, clenched fists, or a knot in our stomach. Kids may also exhibit physical symptoms, such as rapid breathing or a red face.
Stage 3: Angry Explosion
The combination of big emotions and an activated CNS often leads to an angry explosion, where we lash out at others, shout, or exhibit aggressive body language. This can be a wild ride, especially when both parent and child are involved.
Stage 4: Aftermath
The aftermath of anger can be just as challenging as the explosion itself. Guilt, sadness, and exhaustion are common emotions, particularly for parents. Kids may feel insecure and frightened, and it’s essential to validate their feelings and provide comfort and reassurance.
Why Do We Get Angry?
For many parents, anger is a go-to response from childhood. It’s a learned behavior, and often, your “triggers” stem from experiences you had as a child. It’s very possible that you had a parent who struggled with emotional regulation, and so you never learned how to effectively deal with your feelings. Anger is complex and not caused by one thing. Unfortunately, our world constantly demands our attention, and it can be overwhelming.
How to Fix Anger
So, how do you fix anger? Here are some strategies that can help you manage and overcome anger:
- Recognize your triggers: Understanding what triggers your anger can help you prepare for situations that might lead to anger.
- Practice self-awareness: Being aware of your emotions and physical sensations can help you recognize the early signs of anger and take steps to manage it.
- Develop emotional regulation skills: Learning skills like deep breathing, mindfulness, and journaling can help you regulate your emotions and manage anger.
- Practice assertive communication: Assertive communication can help you express your needs and boundaries in a clear and respectful manner, reducing the likelihood of anger.
- Seek support: Talking to a therapist, counselor, or trusted friend or family member can provide you with a safe space to express your emotions and receive support.
Conclusion
Anger is a complex emotion that can be challenging to manage, especially for parents. However, by understanding the causes, types, and stages of anger, you can take steps to recognize and manage your anger more effectively. Remember that anger is not inherently good or bad; it’s just a natural response to a situation. By developing emotional regulation skills, practicing assertive communication, and seeking support, you can overcome anger and build healthier relationships with those around you.
Verdict: Anger is a natural emotion that can be managed and overcome with the right strategies and support. By recognizing your triggers, practicing self-awareness, developing emotional regulation skills, practicing assertive communication, and seeking support, you can take control of your anger and build healthier relationships with those around you.
References:
- Aristotle. (2000). Nicomachean Ethics. Oxford University Press.
- Gottman, J. M. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishers.
- Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. Guilford Press.
