Our words can hurt or heal when our kids are upset. Sometimes my son’s emotions take me by surprise. Things that haven’t caused a huge reaction before are suddenly very hard to handle. Like when his Dad left for a business trip and saying goodbye was unexpectedly really, really rough. Or how for some reason falling down this time and in this place, even though he isn’t hurt really bad, is just the last straw — when five minutes earlier he would have stood up and brushed himself off. That wave of emotion comes out of him and it catches me off guard.
When our kids are upset, it can sometimes trigger us to be upset too and instead of responding to our kids, we react. In these moments when my son’s emotions are big and his reactions intense, I find myself being more dismissing of his emotions than I intend to be. I tell him; “ you’re okay” or “brush it off” or “ calm down.” It seems like when our kids are upset and need us the most are the exact moments we aren’t prepared for — the moments we ourselves are tired, stressed, sad, or triggered.
It is also exactly at those moments when our children need us the most — to be able to lead them through the emotion, through the storm — to be their emotion-coach. As one of my favorite authors says: “When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.” – L.R. Knost It’s our job to be accepting of the emotion, while at the same time teaching them how to handle those emotions. To coach our child through their feelings, from experiencing those feelings to expressing them.
The Power of Emotion-Coaching
Being your child’s emotion-coach is crucial in teaching them to handle emotions. Emotions are meant to be experienced, and it’s our job to help our children navigate them. By doing this, we’re not only teaching them emotional intelligence but also building their resilience and self-awareness. According to L.R. Knost, it’s essential to share our calm, not join their chaos. This means being present, empathetic, and understanding when our children are upset.
10 Powerful Parenting Phrases to Help You Coach Your Child
These 10 soul-building phrases will guide your child through their big emotions. Positive phrases to use when your child is sad or upset.
- It’s okay to be upset — it’s good to let it out. As your child’s emotion-coach, the first thing you want to teach them is that emotions are meant to be experienced, in fact, that their emotions need to be felt. By doing this you are both acknowledging how they feel, validating that feeling, and showing that the emotion itself, even negative emotions, are not something to be feared or avoided.
- I hear you — I’m here for you — I’ll stay with you. The best gift you can give to another human is to stay with them in their emotion. To hold that emotion with them. That is something we must give to our children as well. To simply be with them in that emotional space. To be there.
- It’s okay to feel how you feel. It is not okay to _________.” Sometimes it is necessary to use a clear limit in how our child expresses their emotions. It isn’t the emotion that needs to change, but rather how they express it.
- You look like you are really, really angry. Acknowledge your child’s emotion and give them space to express it.
- It’s okay to be scared. I’m here with you. Validate your child’s fear and let them know you’re there to support them.
- Let’s take a deep breath together and figure this out. Help your child calm down and regulate their emotions.
- What are you feeling right now? Encourage your child to identify and express their emotions.
- That sounds really tough. I’m here for you. Validate your child’s experience and let them know you’re there to support them.
- Let’s find a solution together. Help your child problem-solve and find a way to manage their emotions.
- I love you no matter what. Let your child know that their emotions are valid and that you love them regardless of how they’re feeling.
The Art of Holding Space
The key to holding space is being able to separate your child’s emotions from their behavior. We see the behavior we want to change and inadvertently dismiss their emotions. To hold that emotion with them. That is something we must give to our children as well. To simply be with them in that emotional space. To be there.
Tips for Effective Emotion-Coaching
- Stay calm: Your child looks to you for guidance on how to manage their emotions.
- Be present: Put away distractions and focus on your child.
- Validate their emotions: Let your child know that their feelings are valid.
- Set clear limits: Teach your child how to express their emotions in a healthy way.
- Encourage problem-solving: Help your child find a solution to their problem.
By using these 10 powerful parenting phrases and following the tips for effective emotion-coaching, you’ll be well on your way to becoming your child’s emotion-coach. Remember, being your child’s emotion-coach is crucial in teaching them to handle emotions. Emotions are meant to be experienced, and it’s our job to help our children navigate them.
