The First Thing to Understand About Toddler Tantrums
The first thing to understand about toddler tantrums is that they are a normal part of development. As a graduate student, I looked at the development of anger, and we found that, on average, anger reactivity increases from 4 to 16 months across all children. In another study, we found that for most children, externalizing behavior (including tantrums) starts relatively high at age two and slowly decreases with age. Moreover, tantrums, outbursts, and meltdowns don’t magically disappear at age four when toddlerhood ends. I distinctly remember parent orientation at my son’s preschool for his “age 4s” class. The teacher said they expected better regulation and fewer tantrums this year. Several parents looked uncomfortably around the room to see each other’s reactions because we all knew tantrums were not a thing of the past — were our kids the only ones? No, they weren’t, and even the teacher qualified her statement and said that yes, they do happen, but regulation is typically better at this age.
Why Do Tantrums Happen?
Tantrums occur when your child wants to communicate a need or emotion they can’t effectively verbalize or express. For example, your child is struggling to put on their shoe. They know the word for “shoe,” but they don’t understand how to tell you that the tongue is crumpled up inside, causing discomfort and blocking their goal of putting the shoe on, and your child screams in frustration because they can’t get their shoes on.
The Age of Tantrums
On average, in children between 18 months to 4 years of age, tantrums occur once a day for up to three minutes, with the more common duration being closer to .5 to 1 minute long. Researchers have found that tantrums occur in 87% of 18 to 24-month-olds, 91% of 30 to 36-month-olds, and 59% of 42 to 48-month-olds (source ). This is a normal part of development, and with brain maturity, emotional outbursts begin to subside with experience.
The Duration and Intensity of Tantrums
The duration and intensity of tantrums naturally decrease with age for most children. For some children, persistently high and intense tantrum behavior can indicate underlying mental health and/or behavioral problems. In my research, we found that around 10% of children followed from age 2 to 5 had chronically high externalizing behaviors that did not decrease with age. These children had more problems with regulation and attention than did children whose externalizing behaviors decreased with age.
Separating Tantrums from Sensory Meltdowns
Tantrums are different from sensory meltdowns. A sensory meltdown is an intense nervous-system reaction to being over-stimulated or overwhelmed. While there are fewer studies on SOR, these episodes are longer (10 to 60 minutes) than tantrums and more intense. Children also show relatively high sympathetic nervous system activation (source ). If your child is routinely suffering from sensory overload, the main goal is to work on stress reduction.
Handling Tantrums Effectively
Handling tantrums effectively requires understanding the underlying causes and developmental stages of this normal part of child development. Here are some tips to help you manage tantrums:
- Stay Calm: When your child is having a tantrum, it’s essential to remain calm and composed. Avoid getting angry or frustrated, as this can escalate the situation.
- Validate Their Feelings: Acknowledge your child’s feelings and let them know that you understand they are upset. This can help them feel heard and understood.
- Provide a Safe Space: Sometimes, children just need a safe space to express their emotions. Provide a quiet and comfortable space for them to calm down.
- Use Positive Language: Speak in a positive and encouraging tone, and avoid using negative language that can exacerbate the situation.
- Offer Choices: Provide your child with choices, such as choosing between two toys or deciding what to eat for dinner. This can help them feel more in control and reduce tantrums.
- Practice Empathy: Practice empathy by putting yourself in your child’s shoes and understanding their perspective.
- Seek Professional Help: If your child consistently has tantrums or outbursts that last longer than a few minutes, occur more than a few times a week, and that doesn’t seem to lessen with growth and experience, it may be time to consult with a physician or mental health care provider.
The Importance of Brain Maturity
Brain maturity plays a significant role in tantrums. As children develop and mature, their brains become more capable of regulating emotions and managing stress. However, some children take longer to develop this ability, and it’s essential to be patient and understanding.
The Role of Parenting Strategies
Some parenting strategies can support and perhaps even speed up the development of self-regulation. For example, teaching your child to recognize and express their emotions, using positive language, and providing choices can all help reduce tantrums.
The Verdict
Tantrums are a normal part of child development, and with brain maturity, they will subside. However, if your child consistently has tantrums or outbursts that last longer than a few minutes, occur more than a few times a week, and that doesn’t seem to lessen with growth and experience, it may be time to consult with a physician or mental health care provider. By understanding the underlying causes and developmental stages of tantrums, and using effective handling strategies, you can help your child manage their emotions and develop better regulation skills.
Conclusion
Tantrums are a normal part of child development, and with brain maturity, they will subside. However, if your child consistently has tantrums or outbursts that last longer than a few minutes, occur more than a few times a week, and that doesn’t seem to lessen with growth and experience, it may be time to consult with a physician or mental health care provider. By understanding the underlying causes and developmental stages of tantrums, and using effective handling strategies, you can help your child manage their emotions and develop better regulation skills.
Takeaway #1: Temper tantrums are common and part of typical development in children between the ages of 18 months and 5 years due to immature brain development and their ability to express emotions.
Takeaway #2: If your child has frequent, long (10 minutes or more), especially intense tantrums or meltdowns, focus on soothing their nervous systems first. It could be a good idea to consult a mental health specialist to work on stress management and sensory therapy.
Takeaway #3: If your child frequently reacts to sensory overload, start by reducing stimuli and teaching them stress management techniques.
Related Resources:
- Your Two-Year-Old’s Developmental Milestones and Tips to Support Their Growth
- What are Temper Tantrums?
- Should I Worry About My Child’s Tantrums?
