The Dizziness of Freedom: Seven Lessons Anxiety Has Taught Me
Anxiety isn’t a cheerful guest; it’s more like the dizziness of freedom – a sudden, unsettling sensation that arises when we’re confronted with limitless possibilities and the daunting realization that we’re ultimately responsible for navigating them. It’s a feeling that’s haunted me since childhood, triggered by seemingly insignificant events, and shaped my understanding of myself and the world in profound ways. This isn’t an article about positive thinking or magically eliminating anxiety. Instead, it’s an exploration of how this persistent companion has, paradoxically, gifted me with valuable insights—lessons about presence, control, and the importance of focusing on something bigger than myself. It’s a story about accepting the uncomfortable, and finding a strange kind of strength within the struggle.
I would trade everything I’ve learned from anxiety for less anxiety. It’s a constant negotiation, a battle fought in the quiet corners of my mind. But within that struggle, there’s a surprising amount of wisdom to be gleaned. Let’s dive into seven of those lessons.
1. The Power of Radical Presence
As I mentioned earlier, a particularly vivid memory from my childhood perfectly encapsulates my early relationship with anxiety. I was playing football with a group of older boys – a relatively unsupervised affair, typical of the 80s and 90s. One day, during a particularly enthusiastic play, a boy dove to tackle another, and the unfortunate result was a fully exposed buttock. It wasn’t graphic, but the sheer unexpectedness of it, the violation of boundaries, ignited a primal fear within me. My immediate reaction wasn’t shock or disgust, but a paralyzing anxiety. I started tying my pants incredibly tight, pulling them so tightly that my stomach ached. It was a desperate attempt to exert control over a situation I couldn’t comprehend, a futile effort to prevent something from happening to me.
Looking back, I realize that this seemingly irrational response stemmed from a deep-seated need for safety and predictability. The exposure triggered a cascade of worries – what if it happened to me? What if I lost control? What if I was vulnerable? It wasn’t about the boy’s exposed buttock; it was about the potential for disruption, for the unknown. Years later, as a therapist, I began to understand that this wasn’t simply a childhood quirk. It was a manifestation of anxiety, a defense mechanism designed to protect me from perceived threats. But it also revealed something incredibly important: that anxiety forces you to be utterly, completely present. When my anxiety is at its peak, I can’t think about anything else. I can’t read, I can’t write, I can’t even enjoy a video game or a movie. There’s no room for distraction, no space for the mind to wander. This forced presence is disorienting, uncomfortable, and, surprisingly, grounding. When I can truly feel the physical sensations of anxiety—the racing heart, the shortness of breath, the tightness in my chest—I recognize that my mind is actively creating the emotion. It’s not the situation itself that’s causing the anxiety, but my interpretation of it. This realization doesn’t eliminate the anxiety, but it shifts my perspective, allowing me to observe it rather than being consumed by it. The crushing presence of high anxiety forces me to be exactly where I am at that moment.
2. Distinguishing Between Control and Acceptance
My hyper-independence and the need to be prepared for anything, traits that many would describe as a trauma response, are a direct consequence of my lifelong battle with anxiety. I’ve been told that my tendency to over-plan and anticipate potential problems is rooted in my anxiety, and there’s truth to that. I’ve always felt a need to control my environment, to mitigate risks, and to have a backup plan for every conceivable scenario. However, I’ve come to realize that true control lies not in manipulating external circumstances, but in managing my internal response to them. Anxiety is inherently about the lack of control – the feeling that something is about to go wrong, that we’re vulnerable to forces beyond our grasp. Learning to accept this lack of control, to acknowledge that some things simply are beyond our influence, is a crucial step in managing anxiety symptoms.
This isn’t about surrendering to chaos or becoming passive. It’s about recognizing the distinction between what can and cannot be controlled. We can’t control the weather, we can’t control other people’s actions, and we certainly can’t control the future. But we can control how we react to these uncontrollable events. We can choose to focus on our response, to cultivate resilience, and to accept the uncertainty of life. This is where the real power lies. It’s about shifting our energy from fighting against the inevitable to navigating it with grace and equanimity. I’m still working on this, of course. It’s a constant process of reminding myself that holding onto a rigid need for control is ultimately exhausting and counterproductive.
3. The Comfort of a Bigger Picture
The pandemic of 2020 and 2021 significantly heightened my anxiety levels. The uncertainty surrounding the virus, the fear of infection, and the disruption to daily life created a perfect storm of worry. I found myself obsessing over statistics, constantly checking the news, and imagining worst-case scenarios. It felt like the world was spinning out of control, and I was desperately trying to hold onto something solid. During this time, I realized that my anxiety was fueled by a need to feel in control, to have a grasp on the situation. But the truth is, the pandemic was a chaotic, unpredictable event that defied control.
It was then that I began to focus on something bigger than myself – on acts of kindness, on gratitude, and on connecting with loved ones. I started volunteering at a local food bank, donating to charities, and simply reaching out to friends and family to check in. These small acts of service and connection helped to shift my perspective, reminding me that even in the midst of chaos, there is still beauty, compassion, and goodness in the world. Anxiety often pulls us inward, into a state of isolation and fear. But by focusing on something larger than ourselves – our community, our values, or our connection to the natural world – we can find a sense of perspective and resilience. It’s a way of reminding ourselves that we’re part of something bigger, that our individual struggles are ultimately insignificant in the grand scheme of things. It helps to alleviate the feeling that I’m alone in my anxiety and that my worries are uniquely burdensome.
4. Establishing Boundaries for Well-being
As I’ve navigated my anxiety over the years, I’ve become increasingly aware of the importance of boundaries – not just in my relationships, but also in my own life. For a long time, I struggled to say no, to prioritize my own needs, and to protect myself from overwhelming demands. I was afraid of disappointing others, of being perceived as selfish, and of disrupting the status quo. But I realized that constantly putting others’ needs ahead of my own was ultimately unsustainable and detrimental to my well-being. Setting boundaries is not about being rude or inconsiderate; it’s about recognizing our limits, prioritizing our health, and creating space for self-care.
This can be incredibly challenging, especially for those of us who are naturally inclined to be helpful and accommodating. But it’s essential to remember that taking care of ourselves is not selfish; it’s a necessity. When we’re depleted and overwhelmed, we’re not able to effectively care for others. Establishing clear boundaries—saying no to requests that drain our energy, limiting our exposure to stressful situations, and prioritizing our own needs—is a critical component of managing anxiety symptoms. It’s a way of reclaiming our agency, asserting our worth, and creating a life that feels more aligned with our values and priorities.
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5. The Unexpected Gift of Self-Awareness
Anxiety has forced me to become incredibly self-aware. It’s peeled back the layers of defense mechanisms I’ve constructed over the years, revealing the underlying vulnerabilities and insecurities that I’ve long suppressed. It’s been a painful process at times, confronting uncomfortable truths about myself and my behavior. But it’s also been profoundly liberating. By understanding the root causes of my anxiety, I’ve been able to challenge my negative thought patterns, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and cultivate a greater sense of self-compassion.
This heightened self-awareness isn’t just about recognizing my anxiety; it’s about understanding my values, my needs, and my limitations. It’s about accepting myself, flaws and all, and embracing my authentic self. It’s about recognizing that I’m not defined by my anxiety, but that it’s simply one aspect of my complex and multifaceted personality. This level of self-understanding has allowed me to make more conscious choices about how I live my life, to prioritize my well-being, and to cultivate a deeper sense of peace and contentment.
6. Embracing the Messiness of Life
For a long time, I tried to create a perfectly ordered and predictable life, believing that if I could just control everything, I could eliminate my anxiety. I meticulously planned my days, created detailed to-do lists, and strived to minimize uncertainty. But I quickly discovered that this approach was not only exhausting but also ultimately futile. Life is inherently messy and unpredictable. There will always be unexpected challenges, setbacks, and disappointments. Trying to force it into a neat and tidy box is not only impossible but also deeply frustrating.
Learning to embrace the messiness of life—to accept that things won’t always go according to plan, that setbacks are inevitable, and that uncertainty is a fundamental part of the human experience—has been a transformative process. It’s not about giving up on striving for goals or pursuing dreams. It’s about letting go of the need to control every aspect of our lives and trusting that things will unfold in their own time. It’s about recognizing that vulnerability and imperfection are not weaknesses, but rather strengths. It’s about finding beauty in the unexpected, and appreciating the richness and complexity of life, even when it feels chaotic and overwhelming.
7. Recognizing Anxiety as Energy
Perhaps the most surprising lesson I’ve learned from anxiety is that it’s not simply a negative emotion to be eradicated. It’s a form of energy – intense, focused, and often overwhelming. When I initially experienced anxiety, I viewed it as a debilitating force, something to be feared and avoided. But as I’ve deepened my understanding of it, I’ve realized that it’s actually a signal – a message from my body telling me that something needs attention. It’s an alert system designed to help us navigate potentially dangerous situations.
Anxiety has taught me to be present – to really feel the sensations of my body, to notice the physical manifestations of my fear, and to accept them without judgment. When I can be completely present with the physiological sensations of anxiety, I recognize that my mind is actively creating the emotion. That’s where my suffering comes from. By acknowledging this energy, by observing it without resistance, I can begin to detach from it and regain a sense of control. It’s not about suppressing anxiety; it’s about understanding it, accepting it, and channeling it in a productive way. It’s about recognizing that even in the midst of the most intense anxiety, there is still a part of me that is calm, resilient, and capable of facing whatever challenges life throws my way. It’s never pleasant, but I’ve learned a few things.
Anxiety has taught me to be present. It’s a strange, uncomfortable, and sometimes terrifying experience, but it’s also a powerful reminder of the preciousness of each moment. I would trade everything I’ve learned from anxiety for less anxiety. It’s a constant negotiation, a battle fought in the quiet corners of my mind, but within that struggle, there’s a surprising amount of wisdom to be gleaned. And while the dizziness of freedom may never completely disappear, I’m learning to navigate it with greater grace, resilience, and self-compassion.
