If you came to my house and listened to me parent, you’d hear several things I’ve robbed and duplicated from my village. My kids are called “lovey,” and I say, “That was kind,” instead of “nice” because of my friend Erin. “If you choose to disobey, do things go well for you?” came from Laura. I remind my kids that we are blessed so that we can bless others because of Shelley. And whenever I think my head might explode from parenting and working at home, I’m comforted by Shannon’s voice: “Working moms are not okay. We’re just not.” These phrases have become woven into my parenting because of the privilege I’ve had of parenting alongside these gentle, wise, and generous parents.
God gifted me, my spouse, and my kids a village. The season I saw “it takes a village” played out clearest was when we lived overseas. For a year, we had just about the most ideal setting for community anyone could ask for: four expat families in one neighborhood on similar schooling schedules. I got a front-row seat to watch them comfort, coach, and teach their children (and sometimes mine) in all kinds of situations. And they saw gifts (even when they’d gone awry) in my children, encouraged me in my struggles and weaknesses, and just generally shared the load of parenting.
Our village formed mini-search parties when kids wandered too far, provided last-minute dinner invitations and babysitting, and organized neighborhood holiday celebrations. Why it takes a village Maybe you long for a village like that. I find myself longing for it, too. I may never have that ideal aligning of proximity and life stage again. But my taste of parenting in community has given me a hunger to go out of my way to pursue a village for me and my family .
Why It Takes a Village
Reason 1: We Learn Parenting Tips and Tricks
These days, you can download any parenting book to your phone or tablet with a few clicks. Or find parenting coaches, child psychologists, or other experts (and non-experts) handing out advice and encouragement on social media, blog posts, or podcasts. In some seasons of parenting, I have frantically consumed every resource I could get my hands on. But it was never enough. It’s like the difference between studying a foreign language from a book and being immersed among native speakers. It’s difficult to become fluent without practice, without noticing the structures and flow in real conversations, then trying it out and having a knowledgeable speaker close by to give feedback and encouragement.
Not that, in parenting, anyone could be said to have perfect fluency. And not that we could or should emulate someone down to the “T.” We can “try on” different phrases and patterns and tailor what we like to our families’ needs. It takes a village. Because when we’re immersed in other families’ lives, we have the benefit of observing, asking questions, and then discerning what, if anything, we’d like to incorporate or tweak. We also have the benefit of problem-solving and brainstorming different issues with other parents that know us and our kids.
Reason 2: We Learn We’re Not Alone
It’s all too easy to fool ourselves into thinking we’re the only ones struggling with something. Social media is usually the space parents share their highlights. We forget that everyone has things they’re not including in their curated online space. When we parent in community, we see our friends’ kids become dysregulated and melt down. We see our friends become dysregulated and melt down, too. We see a more accurate picture of another family’s reality.
And while more “influencers” are trying to use their spaces to share hard things, again, you just can’t beat being with a real person, in a real situation, and having that healing feeling of “me, too.” But let me clarify: Parenting in community doesn’t mean that you see a family in passing at school or church. It means you do life together—you’re with each other in a variety of situations, and you have the chance to form deep connections and truly know one another.
Reason 3: We Experience the Gospel Firsthand
Living in a community can provide opportunities to practice the good news of Jesus’ unconditional love. Healthy villages stick together during hard times and believe the best in one another. When we’re immersed in other families’ lives, we have the chance to witness and participate in acts of kindness, generosity, and forgiveness. We learn to respond with empathy instead of judgment, and we see the beauty of the gospel played out in real-life relationships.
In a village, we have the opportunity to experience the gospel in all its messy, beautiful, and life-changing glory. We see the love of Jesus shine through in the way our neighbors care for one another, the way they forgive one another, and the way they serve one another. And we’re reminded that we’re not just parenting our kids, but also modeling the love of Jesus to them.
Conclusion
It takes a village. If you’re longing for a village like the one I described, don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t look exactly like that. Parenting in community can take many forms, from joining a local parenting group to volunteering at your kids’ school to simply being intentional about building relationships with your neighbors. The key is to be open to learning, growing, and serving alongside others.
As you pursue a village for yourself and your family, remember that it’s not just about getting support or advice. It’s about experiencing the love and community of Jesus firsthand. It’s about being part of a community that believes in you and your family, even when you’re struggling. And it’s about modeling the love of Jesus to your kids as you show them what it means to live in community.
So, go out and find your village. Pursue it with intention and passion. And when you do, you’ll be amazed at the love, support, and community that awaits you.
