Why it is so important to stop yelling at your kids and 10 ways to stop yelling at your kids today.
Imagine this… it’s been a long day, and for the umpteenth time, you ask your child to please turn off the TV. They start to have a tantrum. You feel the stress bubbling up in your body, and without realizing it, you berate yourself for not being a “calm mom,” and you yell at your child. You might wonder, “Why does this keep happening to me? Why can’t I just be calm and patient like those other moms on social media?”
The truth is, yelling at your kids doesn’t work. In fact, it can have long-term negative effects on their emotional development and even affect their brain structure. Children of parents who repeatedly got angry, shake or yell at their children had smaller prefrontal cortexes and amygdala, which are key structures in emotion regulation and linked to anxiety and depression (1).
So, what can you do instead? The key is to stop trying to control our emotions and controlling our kid’s emotions. The first thing we have to realize is that we are yelling at ourselves with our inner voice. We need to learn to tune into our emotions and accept them without judgment. When you accept your own uncomfortable feelings, the need to lash out in stress will dissipate.
Your Inner Voice: The Starting Point for Change
We all have those feelings! And our kids seem to know just how to push our self-regulation to its limits. When your child has a tantrum or a meltdown — see that as a chance to help them build those connections. This is a chance for your child to learn how to weather stress, challenge, and the ups and downs of our world in the safety of your arms — before they have to face the world and all its harshness without the comfort of childhood.
Understanding the Root of Inappropriate Behavior
Inappropriate behaviors come from the immature expression of emotions, overstimulation, hunger, fatigue, or impulses. If you look beyond the behavior for the root cause, you can help your child in the midst of tantrums and meltdowns. When our kids impulsively act on their emotions, we instantly hone in on what they are doing wrong. We equate the behavior to the emotion . This can tell our kids that how they feel is wrong, making them feel worse and more likely to either internalize or lash out.
Separating Behavior from Emotion
Feeling hurt, frustrated, angry, or upset because your friend took your toy away from you isn’t bad — it is entirely appropriate to feel those things. But the behavior of hitting your friend over the head with another toy isn’t the best way to express those feelings. Why? Hitting your friend over the head with another toy can lead to physical harm and damage your relationship with them. It’s essential to teach your child that expressing feelings in a healthy way is crucial.
10 Ways to Stop Yelling at Your Child
- Stop Yelling at Yourself. If you are stressed and tired, acknowledge that to yourself. Tell yourself it’s okay to feel how you feel. Expect that when you look inside yourself that you will see ‘negative emotions.’ That’s the key: Accept yourself and all of your emotions first.
- Learn to Tune into Your Emotions. When you feel stressed or overwhelmed, take a moment to acknowledge your emotions. Recognize that your child is mirroring your emotions, and it’s essential to manage your emotions first.
- Practice Mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment, without judgment. When you’re mindful, you’re more likely to respond to your child’s behavior rather than react impulsively.
- Use Positive Language. Speak to your child in a positive, respectful way. Avoid using negative language or labeling them as “bad” or “naughty.”
- Set Clear Boundaries. Establish clear rules and consequences for behavior. This helps your child understand what is expected of them and teaches them self-regulation skills.
- Practice Empathy. Put yourself in your child’s shoes and try to understand their perspective. This helps your child develop empathy and understanding of others.
- Use Nonverbal Communication. Sometimes, words are not enough. Use nonverbal communication like hugs, high-fives, or handshakes to show your child love and appreciation.
- Take Breaks. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a break and step away from the situation. This gives you time to calm down and regroup.
- Practice Self-Care. Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally. When you feel good about yourself, you’re better equipped to manage your emotions and respond to your child’s behavior.
- Use a Mantra or a Phrase. Choose a mantra or a phrase that reminds you of your commitment to speak to your child in a respectful way. Repeat it to yourself when you feel stressed or overwhelmed.
The Payoff: A Way Out of the Reactive Cycle
When you stop yelling at your kids, you create a way out of the reactive cycle of stress, yell, guilt, and try again the next day. You teach your child that emotions are normal and acceptable, and that they can be expressed in a healthy way. By following these 10 ways to stop yelling at your kids, you’ll raise emotionally resilient kids who are better equipped to handle life’s challenges.
Realize All Behavior is Communication
In fact, don’t react — respond. This serves two purposes — first, it reminds you of your reason for wanting to stop yelling. Realize all behavior is communication. Your child’s behavior is a cry for help, a signal that they need something from you. When you respond to their behavior, rather than react impulsively, you create a safe space for them to express themselves.
Conclusion
Yelling at your kids doesn’t work. But there is a better way. A way out of the reactive cycle of stress, yell, guilt, and try again the next day. The key is to stop trying to control your emotions and controlling your kid’s emotions. Start by stopping yelling at yourself. Learn to tune into your emotions and accept them without judgment. When you accept your own uncomfortable feelings, the need to lash out in stress will dissipate.
By following these 10 ways to stop yelling at your kids, you’ll raise emotionally resilient kids who are better equipped to handle life’s challenges. You’ll teach them that emotions are normal and acceptable, and that they can be expressed in a healthy way. Stop yelling at yourself, and start raising kids who are confident, happy, and emotionally resilient.
References:
(1) Université de Montréal and Stanford, Children of parents who repeatedly got angry, shake or yell at their children had smaller prefrontal cortexes and amygdala.
